Mini Me, Music, and My Thought Process

Knowing Amanda, she’ll probably roll her eyes at what I’m about to tell you. I love twenty one pilots. They are an incredible two man band who play a distinctive fusion of piano-driven schizoid pop with lyrical uplift. Seriously, guys, they are the coolest band ever. I’ve never heard a sound quite like them. Plus the skeleton clique (fans of the band) has given me an incredible group of friends who unite through Tyler’s words. Their new album is called Blurryface and releases May 19 (SQUEE!). [Technically the album leaked a few nights ago and it was pretty exciting because the album is so fantastic.] It’s incredible to me how much this album has lined up with my thinking, even more so than the previous albums. This music gives me hope. IMG_8773 Today, I was riding in a saddle for the second time since I broke my ankle, and the first time trotting in stirrups. I’m rebuilding muscle and stretching tendons and ligaments. Mini was so good to me, as she always is. She takes care of her rider. When we walked, I worked her on circles and leg yields. I wish I could say I had the muscle to make these things happen, but Mini is just very well schooled, so she knew what I wanted. When we trotted, I just worked on simple posting trot for short three minute bursts. Mind you, I was only able to do two of these before my ankle was throbbing. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and I have pushed through some serious hurt, but I think I’m just so scared to hurt anything worse that I’m seriously holding back. So what’s the cure for this sour mood and thoughts of pain? Of course the answer is twenty one pilots. They just released the fifth of 14 songs, “Ride.” (Aptly named. Thanks, Tyler and Josh.)

I wish someone told me how hard this was going to be. It’s so hard. When they told me I had broken my ankle (as if there was some sort of doubt with the immeasurable pain from that fall), I knew I would be out for a while. Surgery, three weeks of basically bed rest, followed by a month in the air cast… I’ve broken bones before, but it’s never been a weight bearing bone. This is so much harder to heal than I expected. Everyone keeps telling me how quickly I’ve healed and how awesome it is that I am back to walking and working and riding. I guess I’m just too impatient to appreciate exactly how lucky I am. But today, during my second round of trot, it occurred to me just how long this road is and how far I’ve already made it. In all honesty, it really scared me just how difficult this is going to be. Megan and I were talking the other day, so I asked her how long she thought before I would be jumping again. She told me five months. I thought that was an overestimation until I rode and dropped my heels today. At this point, I’ll be lucky if I’m jumping in five months. As I drove home this afternoon, I was listening to “Ride,” where it hit me that, yes, this was a long odyssey, but I’m already moving, so I need to keep going. The chorus goes, “I’m falling so I’m taking my time on my ride.” (Whoa snap, here comes my AP English Lit and ex-English major skill!) Falling here refers to doubt and the ride is a journey. In the bridge, Tyler sings “I’ve been thinking too much / Help me.” I relate so strongly to this line that it’s a little scary. I’m the queen of over thinking and reading too much into things. This ankle, every bit of pain and every scar and bump and stutter step and limp, has probably given me a few white hairs. If it’s a little too swollen or I take a misstep or I feel even the tiniest cramp, I panic. Now, given how severe the fractures were, you might be thinking that it’s okay to be cautious. But I’m this way with a lot of things. If I feel even a little panicky, I cancel my plans and hide in my house. If I feel even a little self conscious about the fit of my clothes, I convince myself that dinner isn’t necessary. [More twenty one pilots mirroring my soul: “But now I’m insecure and I care what people think / My name’s Blurryface and I care what you think,” (“Stressed Out”).] If things get a little too loud in my head, I retreat to a quiet place and do whatever is necessary to stop it. I’m definitely a worrier. tumblr_no4oioYVlp1ttuaiuo1_1280 The whole concept of the Blurryface album is how Tyler conquers his insecurities and doubts about his life and his decisions (Blurryface) through his music. [“If it wasn’t for this music, I don’t know how I would’ve fought this / Regardless, I’m in constant confrontation with what I want and what is poppin’,” (“Lane Boy”).] This album means so much to me because I have heard from multiple people that I’m not alone in my struggle with the bipolar disorder and the psychotic tendencies and the anxiety. Hearing the way that Tyler describes his struggles in his music really helps me realize that I’m not alone. Seeing how he leads his existence in the best way possible gives me the strength I need to keep going, despite my doubts about myself and my physical limitations and my emotional/mental limitations. Tyler has found ways to be happy. If he can do it, so can I. My ankle may hurt and my internal conversations may tell me that I’m going to limp forever and never going to be what I was, but you can be damn sure that I’m going to fight everything I hear. “I’m taking my time on my ride.” tumblr_no7d493a1d1sndh61o2_r1_500

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8 thoughts on “Mini Me, Music, and My Thought Process

  1. First of all: thank you for sharing this band because I love it! I’ve only listened to the one song here so far but I’m definitely gonna listen to more.
    I can absolutely relate to hiding in your house when things get overwhelming; I actually started crying once while brushing my teeth because it was TOO MUCH TO HANDLE. Like, alone in my bathroom foaming at the mouth and sobbing about fluoride. In hindsight it’s actually hilarious. But I love your way of diving in head first and finding ways to remind yourself that A) Things might not be 100% perfect right now but that’s ok because it’ll get better B) there’s so much cool stuff out there (like music!) and C) you’re a flippin’ rockstar. For realz.

    Like

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